Use H.O.T.A.P.E as the secret to good flirting!

One day, you come across an attractive woman that makes your heart beat fast and you think she’s maybe the one. Then you make a plan to flirt this girl! 

When men flirt someone, they tend to worry about coming across as creepy. It’s clear that they’re into someone, but it’s quite another to come on strong and give off the wrong vibe. 

When Jean Smith, Social anthropologist and self-proclaimed ‘flirtologist’ delivered her TEDx talk back in 2015 offered a goldmine of information to all those wondering what the secret to good flirting is. She explained that over the last ten years, the way people flirt has changed in a serious way. 

Since we’re all more reliant than ever on the likes of smartphones, tablets, and laptops, the way we communicate has changed too. The modern-day man is more likely to send a quick emoji than write reams of heartfelt declarations. For example, at Sun*, the emoji in chatwork is often used a lot in most conversations. 

Through her talk and Flirtology book, Smith put together her H.O.T.A.P.E. theory of flirting - an acronym for some of the most common signs that someone who is good at flirting has. 

H - Humor

The truth is, everyone loves to laugh, which is also the origin of the first sign in the H.O.T.A.P.E theory - Humor. 

Why do you think that having a good sense of humor (GSOH) is such a cliché in dating ads?

In a study on flirting behavior of 250 singles in big cities like London, NYC, Paris, and Stockholm, Jean Smith shared that, in most cases, the sense of humor is men's most valuable weapon. 

Most people say that humor plays an important part in flirting and attracting Like touching, laughter also stimulates nerves in the human brain. It produces oxytocin - a pleasure booster. In addition, when you are in this state, you will put your partner in a state of excitement, joy, and pleasure. 

So if you're talking to someone who keeps telling jokes and you keep laughing, Smith asserts that the chances are they may be flirting with you! 

Also, As Smith explains, having a shared sense of humor is very important when it comes to building a relationship. It’s one of the major ways you can check if you ‘click.’ If they find something in common in a sense of humor, it could be a connection. 

O - Open Body Language

In any conversation, whether you're flirting or not, underestimating the power of body language can be a big mistake! Keep in mind the following 3 important body language factors to be a good flirter! 

Note 1:  When a person has closed off body language (for example, if they have crossed their arms) it means that they are trying to hide away. They are not open to this interaction and are trying to figuratively and literally protect themselves from it. Therefore, don't cross your arms if you wanna flirt a girl! 

Note 2: Make sure your shoulder is facing that person

Note 3: To see if a person is interested in listening to your story, look at where his or her feet are pointing. If their toes point to you, that's a good sign of your flirting. 

If one or both feet are facing away, it's better to speak quickly or let them go. Jean Smith asserted that feet cannot lie! 

Open body language is quite the opposite. Shoulders back, arms open, and forward facing. If someone is standing in front of you with this type of open body language, it’s definitely a good sign. Equally, if you’re trying to attract someone, you should be doing the same darn thing.

T - Touch

Bạn đã bao giờ nghe nói về ‘Thử nghiệm đồng xu tại bốt điện thoại’ chưa? 

Researchers at the University of Minnesota put a coin on the edge of a cell phone booth, hid it and waited for anyone to step in to find it. When this happened, a researcher approached that person and said, “Did you accidentally see my coin in that cell phone booth? I need it to make another call. Only 23% of the subjects admitted that they found it and returned it. 

In the second part of the study, the coin was once again placed in the cell phone booth but when the researchers approached the people who took it, they lightly touched the elbow of these people for no more than three seconds. and then ask about the coin. This time, 68% admitted having a coin, seemed embarrassed and said like, "I'm looking around to see who owns it ..." 

You might ask: Why is touching someone's elbow such a big deal? And here are the reasons that Jean Smith has pointed out.

First, the elbow is considered a safe place because it is far away from intimate parts of the body.

Second, touching strangers is not acceptable in most countries so it gives a certain impression to the other. 

Third, a gentle three-second elbow touch creates a temporary bond between the two. 

So what do you learn from the above study? 

Want to figure out whether someone is flirting with you? An easy sign is to see whether they’ve touched you. Smith explains that touch creates a ‘positive physiological response’ but that the contact has to be made in a ‘safe place’ such as the shoulder or arm. Otherwise, there will be side effects! 

Jean Smith points out that, as a general rule, the top of the arms and shoulders are "safe" places to touch. If you fancy flirtatiously touching someone in a non-creepy way, sticking to the arm is a good start. Gently tapping someone on the hand combined with a compliment and a bright smile can make flirting easier. 

The guys can pay attention to this point when approaching the person they want to flirt! 

A - Attention

While we may not want to be the center of attention, however, we all want to get the attention of someone we like. When someone flirts with you, they pay attention to you, and similarly, when we care about someone, we pay attention to them. 

It seems like a fact but it's hard to explain in an objective way when it comes to love issues. Just think why you pay them more attention than anyone else in those crowd? Because you like them! 

P - Proximity

Proximity is the closeness. In mathematics, it has another concept that is the asymptote of a point. 

When you see someone attractive, your instincts will tell you to stand next to the person or walk by so that you have a chance to stand next to that person. 

Pay attention to where people stand when they talk to you. If you see someone walking past you, and then suddenly standing next to you, this is not natural at all. Or if two people are talking and the other person is standing closer than normal, that could be a sign, they're flirting with you! 

Pay attention to Proximity when you are flirting, boys! 

E - Eyes Contact

Eye contact is the number one way that people know when another person is flirting with them. But wait, how do you know whether someone is just being friendly and polite or whether they are actually flirting with you?

Điều này khá đơn giản. Khi ai đó muốn tán tỉnh bạn, những ánh mắt hay cái nhìn nhỏ nhặt sẽ xảy ra thường xuyên hơn và lâu hơn. Nếu bạn đang nói chuyện với ai đó, hãy chú ý đến loại cử chỉ mắt mà họ đang sử dụng. Nếu nó có vẻ đắm đuối thì có nghĩa là họ không thể rời mắt khỏi bạn được.

Golden Rules For Flirting (Without Being Creepy!)

Apart from applying the H.O.T.A.P.E theory analyzed by Jean Smith, if you’ve found yourself in a situation where flirting is acceptable and you want to give it a go, what do you do next? Here are some golden rules that you need to stick to when flirting: 

Avoid over-flirting

One of the biggest mistakes you can make when it comes to flirting is coming on too strong. As expert Rachel Dealto explained, flirting with someone constantly can come off as desperate and needy—not attractive qualities.

As she puts it, flirting can be a ‘cat and mouse game.’ You have to give a little—wait—and then see what you get back. If the other person isn’t responding to your gestures, it might be best to give them some space.

Test the waters

There are two major reasons you shouldn’t flirt with someone who has zero interest in you. First, it’s a waste of your time as you’re unlikely to win them over with sheer charm. Secondly, you may end up annoying them or crossing social boundaries, even making a bad impression.

Ditch the cheesy one-liners

You: “Did it hurt?” 

Her: “Did what hurt?”

You: “When You fell down from heaven?”

According to a study published in the Sex Roles journal, neither men nor women favor pickup lines. You’re far more likely to pique someone’s interest by asking them a genuine question about who they are, what their interests are, or what they do. Keep things simple.

Sync up with the other person

Synchronization is a ‘highly effective flirting technique,’ according to the SIRC guide. Much of the time, people sync up naturally when they feel comfortable or when they are attracted to each other. However, you can fake it until you make it.

If you feel that interaction isn’t going so well, start mimicking the other person. It may help to get things back on track and create a sense of compatibility.

Don’t be a conversation hog!

Whether it’s because you’re feeling a tad nervous or just that you love the sound of your own voice, there are few things as unattractive as stealing the limelight. Flirting is about showing an interest in another person—not about selling yourself and bragging about how great you are.

You should make your part in the conversation equal to that of the other person. So, when you start speaking, take a pause, and allow them to talk for roughly the same amount of time as you did. Make sure that you’re not chatting away without giving them a chance to really engage and get involved in the conversation. Be a gentleman!

Use the ‘compliment formula’

Some compliments can backfire quickly especially if they are over-the-top or too personal. How can you tell someone that you appreciate them without it sounding inappropriate or creepy? Luckily, there’s a winning ‘compliment formula’ that you can use.

An analysis of 600 verbatim compliments, highlighted by the SIRC, found that effective compliments often share similar traits. The results found that the word ‘you’ appeared around 25% of the time in these phrases, while the word ‘nice’ appeared 75% of the time.

The takeaway is that, in combining these two words, you can create a safe—yet effective—compliment. For example, you could say “You look nice today” or “You are always smiling… It’s so nice to see!” These phrases are not too suggestive but show that you like the other person.

Conclusion

Make no mistakes—there is a right way to flirt. Don’t worry if it doesn’t come naturally to you or if you weren’t blessed with the gift of the gab. This skill is one that you can absolutely learn. So long as you respect boundaries, look for social signs, and keep things casual, you should have no problem. Follow these golden rules and go get ‘em.

Hopefully, our Sun* men will soon find a girlfriend so this winter will no longer be cold! 

Source: How to Flirt Without Being Creepy

Author: Charlotte Grainger